Helping children deal with grief

The Arsenal Foundation has helped fund the CARIS Bereavement Service’s work with children who have lost a loved one, a programme known as Rucksack. Counsellor Maire Hemmingway reveals how she helps children come to terms with their grief…

“I’m a lawyer by trade but training to be a child psychotherapist using the arts. I knew about CARIS Islington Bereavement Service from living locally in Finsbury Park and I was drawn here because it’s so child-focused. It has an absolute commitment to and focus on its clients, and unlike with some other services there is no fixed timeframe. Each child takes as long as he or she needs to work through their grief.

“We use the arts – play, sand, paints, crayons, clay, puppets and so on – because children's first language is play. They often don’t have the words they need to express how they’re feeling about someone they love dying, but they can express it and find words through paint or sand or clay. Others just want to play. It’s very child-led and I’m here to support children explore difficult feelings and remember the person who has died, in their own time and in their own way, while they’re learning to live again.

“In a way I’m just here to facilitate their own healing. The children innately know what they need to do to grieve and find a way to live fully again, and if you give them the space they’ll do it. It’s quite amazing.

“Grief can be manifested in all sorts of different ways. One little boy whose mum had died was very angry. He started skipping school, was lashing out at other kids and was always on detention. Grief can be manifested in that way and it can often be labelled as bad behaviour while the real issue – grief – is left unaddressed.

“Through weekly counselling, little by little, he came to name his feelings – that he was angry, that he felt despair and that without mum his life felt meaningless. By the end, he was able to think about his feelings and feel them rather than act them out, and he started enjoying school again. He was also able to find people who could help him and he found a football coach who was really supportive, and who encouraged him to find a new position in the team.

“That was a real metaphor for his life – could things be different? Was life meaningless without his mum? Did he have a future? He’d lost a lot of confidence, but he left feeling like a winner and like he had a future.

“A lot of the boys we see love football, and especially Arsenal. In the case of those who have lost a father it gives them a real live link to their dad, plus they look up to their footballers and see parts of themselves among their heroes in footballers. Arsenal supporting this kind of work normalises counselling – a lot of the children, especially boys, worry “What are my mates going to think?” Arsenal’s support gives it credibility.”

For more info visit carisislington.org